Remaking The Orient

Okay, well, screw Hollywood. Screw writers, screw producers, screw directors, screw Sarah Michelle Gellar and now, finally, screw Jessica Alba.

I’m sure you’re wondering why I want all of this screwing to take place, and you’re lucky because I want to bitch about it, lol. Hollywood is effectively remaking Asia’s horror market, and frelling it up so royally that no one would be able to recognize the original films in the remade messes they leave behind.

The first I’d heard about was Pulse, a remake of the fabulously eerie Kairo, which is the story of an apocalypse brought on by the spirit realm spilling out into the world of the living. Pulse was more or less about nothing, they ruined the concept, the actors blew and the ghosts were way too aggressive. Like, Texas aggressive.

Then I’d heard about The Grudge and it’s sequel, which are horrible fakey remakes of the Japanese masterpiece Ju-on, one of the horrifying films I think I’ve ever seen in my life. They stripped it of it’s subtle scares, they gave SMG an out – she SHOULD die at the end of the movie, that’s how it goes, but they created Yoko to do it for her. How quaint. And if that weren’t bad enough, who’s the ghost in the last 2 seconds of the film? SADAKO. From RINGU. Not Kayako, that would be too easy, eh?

Speaking of which, the scariest, best written horror film I’ve ever seen in my life was turned into the shitbomb named The Ring, in which the whole point of Ringu is tossed aside to make way for people pissing me off. They may as well have set it to music.

Where is all this going? Well, the Danny Pang and Oxide Pang Chung’s feirce Hong Kong creation, “The Eye”, is now being remade and guess who stars in this remake? Go ahead, guess! If you guessed Jessica Alba, you’ve won a treasure! If you consider SuckyActress McTitties screwing up a beloved horror classic a treasure, that is.

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