Top 5 Stupid Things Christians Say

I have had one of the worst days of my entire life, and to top it off I accidentally got into an ‘argument’ with a Jesus Freak who I didn’t know I was fighting with until they were literally in my face. They were ticked because I made a throw away comment to a friend (in a conversation that didn’t include the JF, thanks so very much) that the best thing about living an adult life is being able to choose to sleep in on Sundays instead of wasting my time at church. Of course the JF takes offense to this, as if I mean HER church and not the church I was forced to go to well into my late teens.

So she gets mad, of course, and taps me – hard- on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I thought I heard you say that it’s a waste of time to go to church and praise the Lord on Sunday. Miss. Miss! EXCUSE ME!” *harder, painful tap* “Excuse me, Miss, do you hear me?”

In her defense, I could have just said, “Yes, I hear you but I don’t want to get into an argument so please let it go.” That’s not what I said. What I said was, “If you tap me one more time, so help me Homeless Joe, I’ll start getting loud.”

Well it progressed from there. Every Christian argument cliche came out to play right then and there. She used 2 of the top 5 things Christians say that are just insanely stupid during that one argument. And no, I’m not calling Christians or their beliefs stupid, but some of their arguments are. Once you see this top 5 list you’ll get what I’m talking about (the ones she used will have ** after them).

1. Then They’re Not A Real Christian **

This is one of my all time favorite comebacks. Use to absolve other Christians of anything any ‘Christian’ has ever done that was wrong, evil, bad, immoral, hypocritical – you name it. No learning from their mistakes, no taking responsibility for past or present beliefs and actions. Nothing. Great magick trick!

2. It’s In The Bible **

If ever you’re in an argument with a Christian and you’ve got their logic cornered, as you will if you have half a brain in your head (truth be told, you could be thinking with a half eaten bagel between your ears and you’ll still likely win this argument), you’ll be trumped with this all-fixing, argument winning gem. See, they don’t care if it’s in the Bible, they say it so they don’t have to think of any sort of reason to back up their logic.

If they really read the book, instead of taking random passages out of it an applying those verses like band-aides to anything they choose, they wouldn’t do half of the things they do. It tells them not to do various things they don’t blink an eye at (dishonor of their parents, vulgarity, coveting, theft, adultary, judging of others) and nobody ever points that out for some reason.

3. Don’t you want to be saved?

This is easily my favorite, and I’ll tell you why. They don’t know what they’re saved from. If they did, they wouldn’t all have different answers. Every once in awhile you get a gem like the one Laota and I got a few years ago.

We were riding with a friend of my mom’s to the KC office through the country one morning and this friend, we’ll call her Sally, was trying yet again to force the dumb, unwashed heathens to see the light and accept Jeebus as our something and something-er. Well Laota got tired of it and started quizzing her on what she knew about what she believed because Laota feels, as do I and everyone else with the ability to walk and talk at the same time, that if you don’t know what you believe in you shouldn’t be hoisting it on other people willy nilly. The woman’s answer was, “All I know is that I read the Bible and I’m saved.” and Laota says, “Saved from what?”

The woman’s answer – I shit you not – was that she didn’t know what she was saved from. That’s what duped looks like, people. Why would you want to be like that? Do yourself a favor, okay? If you feel the urge to save me, please, call your sponsor. You two can have a sit down and talk until that feeling goes away.

4. It’s My Christian Duty

I keep thinking I’m spelling Duty wrong in this circumstance or something, because every time someone does their Christian Duty to me I end up in a horrible situation where something bad is happening to me. If you feel the need to Christian Duty, please do so in the Christian Port-O-Potty.

5. If there’s no God, then how do you explain…?

I don’t even have to hear the end of that sentence. Science. Tah dahhhh!

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